No News Yet

Current mood: calm
Category: Life

Currently on my IPOD: New World Symphony: Dvorák

Good evening,

I figured I would title the blog No News Yet in case any of you were wondering if I had heard back from the docs. Nope. Fat Chance. I see the surgeon again on Thursday and really feel good about it. I have decided that I can't possibly have cancer. Having cancer could mean days and days upon weeks and weeks of not feeling good just from the side effects of the medication and surgical recovery. I just don't have time for this in my life so there is no way in hell that I could possibly have it. Right? Let's hope I am right. Not that the people who do have cancer have time for it, but I really don't have time for it. Seriously. I can barely get my errands done on most days much less deal with doctors on a daily basis.

I am sad today as most American's are. I lost a friend in 911. He was a firefighter and I am sure that he went into the burning blaze with determination and a little bit of fear, but today he is remembered as a fallen hero. To Doug..I still think about you.

Yes, we need to remember those who lost their lives in that tragic scene in NY six years ago. Time flies doesn't it. But it is nice to know that most Americans are moving towards full emotional recovery from that day as I see that there are way more blogs on myspace that dwell with Brittney Spears' performance on the VMA awards and Tommy Lee and Kid Rock then there are 911 Blogs. You want a good laugh and a short read, check out my friend's blog: Reid All About It

Reid always has something funny to say. I suggest that after you subscribe to my blog, you go over to his and do the same. You won't be sorry.

Anyway, I have to say good for you America. Grieve for a moment and then laugh at the stupidity of the uber-rich stars.

Right now, I am sitting in my room, listening to Dvorak and typing away, smelling the crisp air outside combined with a little aftertaste of someone's chimney smoke next door. It is about 45 degrees and fall has officially arrived. I love it. It is my favorite time of year! It is about this time, that I miss living in the mid-west. Apple picking, hay rides, etc....but as soon as the snow hits I am once again glad to be in Colorado. I give it another month and I will be posting pics of the snow here.

And to those who are genuinely interested, there are things that are going well in my life...for example, my book, The Burden of Betrayal, is going very well. I am at the 40K word count and I feel as though it has reached the Scene 12 of the story. (Thanks Mike, for planting that term in my head) You know, the scene in which the main character must make the decision to do something about the story otherwise the story will die. The crux of the story, but not yet the climax..

I also have three books I am reviewing at the moment for various sites and another women's sex and health article in the works as well. Not to mention the short story I started yesterday about a boy who loved sushi so much he ate his goldfish, titled: Fish Poop. Kinda inspired by the biopsy experience...read my blog from last week to understand this.

As a matter of fact, I should run now so I can continue my literary life for the night before my body decides to sleep. I hope each and everyone of you sleep well tonight in your warm, mostly safe homes, with the computer at rest and your stories drifting through your heads...

Good night.

Yours in Compelling Stories, Complications of Life and Compassion for Those Who Lost Their Lives,

Cicily

Have the Fortune Cookies Lost Their Minds?

Current mood: blah
Category: Life

Currently on my IPOD: Your Love: Casting Crowns

Good Morning,

Yesterday afternoon, for lunch, a girlfriend and I ordered Chinese Food from a great little place down the street. I needed to have something in my stomach before going through with the biopsy. (More about that in a sec)

We got done with a satisfying meal and it was time to open the fortune cookies. I just can't possibly eat Chinese Food without a cookie at the end. Could you? Probably not, even if you don't want to admit to it.

I opened up a cookie and it said, Your day is about to get a lot worse.

WTF? Is there some disgruntled writer who hates his life because instead of writing that romantic woman's novel about a woman and her dream of becoming the bearded lady in a circus, is stuck writing fortunes in a sweat shop in east LA?

I went upstairs and showered and tried to talk myself into not believing in the power of suggestion. Despite the fortune cookie, by the time I had gotten out of the shower, I had convinced myself that the biopsy was going to be not so bad.

Well, as the cookie version of the Dali-Llama from hell said, my day was about to get a lot worse. First off, the radiologist had probably the worst comb over hair I had ever seen. My goodness, it was actually something that if I was a man, I would have nightmares about. But the only thing that matters is the fact that he should know what he was doing during the biopsy, right?

And this is where my day got a whole lot worse.

I asked him about being able to get the microcalcifications out with this type of biopsy. He said, "What microcalcifications?"

I said, what do you mean what about the microcalcs?

He said, he was only told to biopsy the mass. And he had read the ultrasound reports. I asked him if he had read the mammogram reports. He said no.

Uh..Isn't that your job? shouldn't you have looked at the whole picture before diving into one of my tits with a needle the size of a small child?

He said according to the ultrasound he was convinced that this isn't cancer, but something else, something that he didn't really know how to describe and wouldn't be able to until the pathology reports came back. He then went to look at the mammogram and he said, oh...that's a whole different picture.

No shit, sherlock.

That's what I wanted to say.

The biopsy was a little less than comfortable. And what he did say, is despite the pliable nature of breasts, the tissue inside is actually quite tough. He made a small 2cm incision into the 7o'clock position of the breast and inserted the needle. THANK GOD I WAS NUMB. The needle was enormous and you could watch it go into the breast on the screen above me. Pretty cool.

He had a rough time getting the needle into the breast mass but once he did he hit this button that made a very loud "click" and you could see the needle shoot through the mass as if it was a harpoon. He repeated this about five times. The tissue samples that I saw afterwards looked like fish poop.

Yep, you guys think that breasts are so enticing and sexy..nope, on the inside they look like fish poop.

He said that he hoped that this was fat necrosis and would possibly have an answer for me today. He said he would call me on my cell phone. But if it didn't come back today then I would have to wait until next week when I follow up with the surgeon. Which will be on Thursday. I hope to hell he has an answer for me today. I am already sore and sick about yesterday, why not give me a call today and either put this issue in its place or start me on the treatments I need sooner rather than later.

And then he made my day even more worse than it already was. He said that the bad news was that the tissue samples all sunk to the bottom of the solution. Everyone knows that fat floats. If it was all fat, such as the fat necrosis, which is my other possible diagnosis for this mass, it would have floated along the top of the solution. But all five samples sunk to the bottom. He said that this means that there is some other tissue with the samples which is good and he thinks that they got a good sampling of the mass. But, he was kind of hoping that it would be floating.

I will update you all as I know something. I think if he calls me and tell me that I have cancer I am going to tell him to see a stylist about that comb over. Bitter? Me?

Oh well, all I have to show for what I went through yesterday is a band-aid and a bruise.

Yours in Boobies, Bruises and Bone-Head Fortune Cookie Writers,

Cicily

Irrational Thoughts

Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

Currently on my IPOD: Makes Me Wonder: Maroon 5

Good Morning my Family of Friends,

First Irrational Thought of the day: If I don't go to the doctors today and have that biopsy, I won't have cancer or at least the possibility of that diagnosis.

Second Irrational Thought: Maybe, if I emailed all of my myspace friends and told them I was coming to visit each and every one of them, this month, got in the car, took my money out of the bank and couch-squatted around the country, I won't have to ever see another doctor again.

Third Irrational Thought: Denial is a river in Egypt.

Fourth Irrational Thought: Maybe I will just take all of the muscle relaxers in my medicine cabinet and I won't feel anything when they go to maul my tits with a huge-ass needle this afternoon.

Okay, I feel better now that I have gotten it out onto the screen.

Maybe I should write a story about a woman in denial about her life and call it an autobiography.

I have four hours and counting. Will update you all on how it goes.

Yours in Denial, Deep Dish Pizza (which would make me feel a whole lot better if I had a slice right now), and Digging for Answers,

Cicily

Carrying on with my Life

Current mood: awake

Currently on my IPOD: Does Anybody Know What Time it Is? : Chicago

Good morning my friends,

Anyone want some eggs, sausage and cheese toast? Come on over.... For it is that time..I'll make the tea too. Sit down and read some poetry after your funnies have been finished and the call to your mother has been made.

Cicily has written you another poem.

Illusions of Sanity

For a glimpse
Beyond
The illusion
I,
Myself
Made into nobody

My eyes could see
yet, have not the visual
Or virtual
Reality
I am supposed to be
Living.

Air guitar strumming
A song
Into a depth of
Noise
Below
Us

Masqueraded thoughts
Turn to reason
Pseudo-emotions
Undulating back and
Forth with
Imaginative crimes

Perpetrating
Your consciousness
Leaving you
Running back
To the wards in which
Insanity brightens the room

A blue chair between you
And I, singing yet
Sitting in silence
I say
Everything
Holding nothing

Out of
Mind and change
Ruminations into
Words
For the absence of mine
leaves

Jaded scars
Yours and mine,
we both have ears
Bleeding into the pus
Of your metallic, bitter
Expression driving me

Carrying on without
Surrounds
Reality with violence
Of peace
War
Commodity of lives

Forced compliance
Nature of mothers
Haters
Dreamers no more
Lure another into
A habit of stillness



Have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Yours in Fried Eggs, Finish Lines and Finite Words in an Infinite World,

Cicily

Sorry for the Delay

Current mood: busy
Category: Life

Currently on my IPOD: Girl, Destiny's Child

Hello my friends and family of cyber pixelized happiness,

At the moment I have enormous knots in my shoulders and I don't think that Arnold the "governator" himself could massage these out of me. Tension is building up and I am cracking at every little thing. A sobbing mess for most of the days. But today, I was lucky enough to be able to go into work and hang out with the other plasma monkeys in order to cheer me up.

In case you all didn't read my bulletin, here is the low down of what went on last Thursday at the doctor's office. The surgeon spent a very very long time with me and essentially called my abdomen a hostile environment. I told him that maybe we should send GW in there to see if he can solve the problem since he has done so well with the other wars around this world. Basically, I have diverticula in my colon and that explains my pain and he said might help explain the frequent queasiness too. But, he wasn't going to do anything else unless it started to cause major problems. I said that this was fine by me.

Anyway.. He then went on to the topic of my boobs. He said that the mass, which was reported as 1.2 cm was more like 1.8 cm and yes, looked worrisome. So he spoke with the radiologist who then ordered an ultrasound of the breast. This was not fun. It hurt and I had gel all over my boob by the end. Which isn't something I have tried before, no matter how kinky a gal gets, jelly on the boobs is not fun.

The radiologist said that the mass didn't look good, but didn't look cancerous. I felt instantly relieved and thought that this was going to be the end of my nightmare. I was wrong. He then told me that he should do a mammogram, given the family history and "just to see". I did one view of the breast and went to sit in the waiting room. Then the nurse came out and called me back in again and again and again. A different view everytime. My boob truly felt as if it had been run over by a car. My mom had sent me an email once that said that the only way a woman could ever prepare for one of these is to lie down naked on the floor of her garage and then have her spouse drive over her breast with the car. Yep, sums it all up...

Regardless after a few million pictures, the nurse came our and asked me to get dressed because the radiologist wanted to see me in his office. I went into his office and there were pictures of my breasts everywhere. LOL...Weirdo.. Just kidding, they were the films from the mammo. He said that the first view wasn't too bad but then on the other views he found what he called clusters of microcalcifications. He said that this was extremely worrisome. If you would have seen the look on his face you would have had the instant tears too. I began to cry. After all, looking at this mammo, I realized that this was the same way my mother's had looked by her description. Little tiny pin dots of cancer.

Then the radiologist told me, in his best, Father-Knows-Best voice, not to worry right now, we have to do a biopsy to be sure etc.. I begged, pleaded with him to do it that day, I didn't care if I had to sit in the waiting room until midnight. But due to the holiday weekend, the docs who could do this, including himself, were not going to be available until the week after. So, this Thursday I go in for another round of booby-time.

The biopsy they are going to do is a CORE biopsy and will be guided with a CT machine. He assured me that it wouldn't hurt too bad, after all they would numb up the skin pretty good. LOL.. I felt like asking him when the last time he had his boobs numbed and poked with a huge needle. Hmm.. maybe I should give him a taste of his own medicine. He told me I could get the results of the biopsy within 5-7 days from the surgeon, I have an appt with the surgeon on the 13th of Sept. for the results.

Until then I am not going to be friendly, I am not going to be in a good mood, although I might appear outwardly fine. After all, this is what matters at the moment. I need to be fine on the outside for now.

I just finished up a great book, Lullaby, by Chuck Palachnuik. It, of course, was fabulously out there by the end, not that you should expect anything else from him. Highly recommended. And as for those who entered the contest for the chuck book, I will be reading and responding soon.

Very soon.

Before the shit hits the fan.

I promise.

Tonight, I am going to write. Write with a fury not known to my fingers in quite a while. I am going to also book a masseuse for one day this week to massage the stress out of my shoulders. Out of my day, out of my life for just one hour.

I hope you all enjoy your holiday weekend. Tomorrow is a new day and I can not tell each and every one of you enough, how thankful I am to have you as friends.

Yours in Consciousness, Continuing to Re-Think my Five Year Plan, and Can-Can's.

Cicily