Extensions and Excuses

Quote of the Day: 

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet taken in anxiety.

~Aesop~

Current Local Weather: 

100% chance that hot weather will linger

until all humans in the Springs-area melt away.

Currently on my iTunes: 

"Just Another Parade"

Belly of the Sun

Cassandra Wilson

Currently Reading: 

Tiny Beautiful Things 

Cheryl Strayed

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends, 

How are you? Yeah? Me, too. As a matter of fact, stressed isn't the word for it. Stress has become more of an anomaly to me than not as of late. But it is what it is. I've been involved in so many things that it is taking its toll. Big time. And this time, thank the heavens, it's not taking a toll on my physical health, just my mental health. As you all know, my physical health has never been great but just for updating for update's sake, it's doing much better. 

This blog has nothing to do with my physical health. **you can breathe your collective sigh of relief.**

Lately, I've been sorting out my priorities. Last time I was this over-extended, I posted THIS blog on serenity. I've been trying, desperately so, to find time within my schedule to find me. To be me. And to figure out, yet again, what that means in the ever-changing landscape of my little earth. One thing you'll notice that's different about this blog is that I'm posting what I'm reading in addition to my listening list. I'm doing this for those that don't have a clue when it comes to picking books up off of the shelf. I hope you'll read some of my suggestions....

A good friend and colleague of mine, Kevin Doughten recently pointed me in the direction of a book titled, Tiny Beautiful Things. This is the book that resulted from the infamous advice column, Dear Sugar. 

It is filled to the brim with beautiful tales, stories and sarcastic, dry-humored advice. Her words flew off the page and into my ears. I needed to hear her words peppered with "radical empathy." 

Personally, I think ANYONE that needs "advice" on love, regardless of the facet of love that's plaguing you, should get this book. Put it on your nightstand, on your table next to your toilet, on the coffee table and even in your car in case you're ever in enough of a traffic jam that you can take time out of your schedule and read. **pure bliss**

Onwards. 

What I've been trying to figure out, among this creative chaos in my life, is this: If there isn't one person that's made for us in this world (at least I'm starting to believe this is true), then how can we possibly be one person to everyone in our world? Wait, before you start scoffing, let me elaborate. 

When I originally wrote this blog, I was hiking. I wrote most of it in my head on the way up the trail, found a good resting place...stopped, sat down, pulled out my paper and pen and, yep, you guessed it, wrote it all down. I work better that way. TO give you a better picture of what I look like and what I observe when I'm in the woods, I wrote this: 

I'm sitting amongst the wooded shelter and on top of cool rocks on the side of a steep hill that, at first glance, looks dangerous, obtuse and too high to climb in my average sneakers. But if you look close enough you'll see that the rocks begin to marry one another as they get higher up on the slope. They create a series of sturdy steps and eventually those steps mold into chairs and desks and resting places for those that dared climb them. 

Below me is dirt. Cracked and dry and muddled with shades of black, yellow and rusty umber. Miniature trees are blowing around, talking to one another with their leaves. It's as if those trees are a bunch of giddy women in a dressing room, trying on new, hopeful pieces of a wardrobe for the change in season. 

To the side of the mini-tree sorority, a flower is growing out of the side of a rock. It doesn't appear to have any origin other than the granite. It is strong with tiny yellow buds. Berries are on the bush next to the rock above the flower. They're tempting and succulent. Too red for their own good. There's just enough sunlight over my left shoulder so that I have to squint to write and just enough for me to worry about the fact that I did NOT bring sunblock. It is obviously going to be hot later in the day. To the west and right of me there are clouds that offer a slight promise of rain despite the dapper dryness of the moment. 

My notebook is in my lap, home-brewed green tea is sitting on my rock desk in a Nalgene bottle and there is already ink on my fingers from an earlier mishap with the pen in my hand. I've forgiven the pen. Maybe it was just excited to see me. The paper is breathing patiently as Ben Williams plays quietly in my ear buds. I feel like I know Ben even though I haven't met him. His music is very tangible in an intangible way. 

The trail I took to get here looks easy from where I sit although I know it wasn't. My heart is still pounding in my chest because of it. Water is running somewhere in the distance and I think...it is early...Mother Nature must be bathing her children before they leave the shelter of her home. 

I close my eyes and breathe and then write. To you. For you. 

Without each component the well-orchestrated scene above wouldn't be what it was for me yesterday. If it had been more hot, it would have been uncomfortable. Had it been too steep and no rocks offered their extended hands to help me up, I would have stayed on the trail and blogged from the comfort of my home. Some of the parts of the scene above work by themselves but there isn't really a single description or word that can serve purpose in this picture if used without an accompanying word. 

So why should we come to expect that one person can complete the bigger picture in our own life? And I'm not talking about just romantic big pictures with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan and successful little book shops that turn into multi-million dollar corporate conglomerates. 

I'm speaking on behalf of your whole circle of friends and family. All of your friends online, off-line, off-the-grid, those who have your back and take you back. And for the hell of it, let's say we're talking about your animal friends, too. 

The driving force in my life, why I do anything I do, is my family and friends. I've had the privilege to gain, lose and become friends with a number of great lovers. I want to give more and receive less so that my friends and family can in-turn give more, too. I wish I could buy everyone more of the intangibles in life. Love is love is love regardless of how it begins or ends and it always feels great when you're in the thick of it. Yet tethering this vast and great responsibility to a single soul or object in your life will eventually weigh you and the ball at the end of the tether rope, down. 

It's time to let loose and shred the clothes that dress your mentality of your past notions of what love, serious and not so serious love, look, act, feel and smell like. Let a whole host of people in your life lift you up when you're down. Gather with others to lift those you love, up. Don't pin the responsibility, just as you wouldn't do it to another person, only on yourself. 

Too many men and women, especially in this generation of post-divorce livelihoods, look for love with an eye kept out for someone that meets all possibilities of "perfection" in the next best coulda-shoulda-woulda that comes along. Instead I am challenging myself to forge through without that expectation and instead forgive myself and the mistakes I've made thus far in my own search for friends, lovers, and more. I worry that if I don't do this, I will always be searching for something that is gone, absent and disappointing before it even begins. 

I love the song, One by: Harry Nilsson. 

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...
Two can be as bad as one, as its the loneliest number since the number one...

It's true though. So how 'bout it? Instead of searching for one, we search for many. We find time to extend our love and get rid of the excuses for the person in our life that isn't living up to "being the one." Let's find space carved into the sides of mountains, desks made out of rocks and orchestrations and symphonies out of the streams and solace in walking with a friend or comfort on the ledge more than behind the ledge.

As my favorite onesie that Natalie Poo wears, says, "Choose Happy," on the front and "I am 100% Compatible with My Mommy," on the back. Be compatible with who you have around you and make the most of it. Allow air to be your security; a bed, roof and full belly to redeem each night from the hard day you had.

I know for a fact that it doesn't matter how much that lonely number re-enters your life, if you over-extend your true worth, that ONE thing that makes you, you and worth the world, you will find a result that creates unhappiness, possibly bad breath and wart-laden hands. And all the kind debt you rack up by being everything to everyone will ruin your credit and become too much to pay for the income you bring in.

Allow yourself to be a part of the company of greatness without losing the greatness that is you.

Yours in Trees, Trespassing on trails and Truly Trying to Take Time For Those That Matter,

Cicily

Announcement & Change in October 2012 Retreat

Quote of the Day:

Happy are the painters, for they shall not be lonely. 

Light and colour, peace and hope, will keep them company to the end of the day.

 ~Winston Churchill~

Current Local Weather: 

Massive mountain-shaped clouds

patiently waiting for the words and water to arrive. 

Currently on my iPod: 

Teeth in the Grass

Iron and Wine

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends, 

     Is anyone else out there tired of this hot weather? For Colorado, it's very unusual to have this much heat in a single season. I'm thankful for the rain and cooler nights, but the days have been difficult to handle. I think it's turned everything that's lovable about this state into an unrecognizable beast at times. Personally, I don't react well to heat. At all. Ask anyone who lives with me or near me or knows me well, heat is my enemy. I thrive in the cooler temps, mild temps with a cool breeze and I think I'm in heaven. 

This summer, I believe, everyone in Colorado would agree, has been particularly difficult to handle. As an artist, I find it almost impossible to create or bring to life any ideas when under intangible stress. Whether it be the weather, events beyond my control or general dark clouds of unhappiness above me, my ability to function is not just below capacity, it's absent. I know I'm not the only artist in the world that deals with this issue. In light of the darkness that's overcome a lot of Colorado in the past two months, I have made an executive decision in regards to the October Writing Away Retreat in Breckenridge. 

I have decided to change it into an artist's getaway. All of the proceeds from this retreat will go to directly to the Red Cross to benefit the families affected by the Aurora Shootings and the Waldo Canyon Fire

Here are the details: 

Due to economic decline & Mother Nature's recent rampages throughout Colorado, Writing Away Retreats is taking a break from its usual routine to offer five days of R&R & time to work on individual projects to literary artists (both nonfiction and fiction), poets, musicians and visual artists. The retreat will take place from October 4th-8th at the Little Mountain Lodge in Breckenridge, CO. For the first time in its six-year history, Writing Away Retreats will be a traditional retreat...For one price, this all-inclusive retreat is complete with 3 gourmet comfort foodie meals/day, snacks galore, open beer, wine, coffee and tea bars, amazing scenery and more. There will also be plenty of time to focus on your work-in-progress, escape to the beautiful outdoors, enjoy the company of other creative types, & simply relax.
If you’re interested contact Cicily Janus right away. Space is very limited.

Prices are as follows: • Private Room: 675.00 single occupancy, 775.00 double occupancy • Shared Room: 450.00• Bunk Room: 350.00 

You can sign up and see pictures of the lodge on www.writingawayretreats.info. Go to registration and register but ignore the request for a sample of your work and instead just write the type of artist you are in the sample box and then ignore the payment prompt or check any box. Please specify what type of room you would prefer to stay in.

You will be invoiced the above amounts for the specified room upon acceptance into the retreat.  If you need art supplies at the house, please let me know and we can order them ahead of time so you don't have to travel with them. I can easily add your supply bill to your invoice and you can pay it all at once. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact Cicily Janus at writingawayretreats@gmail.com or call her cell at 719.323.3469. Also, if you register to attend Author Fest of the Rockies at www.authorfest2012.org you will automatically receive 15% off of your tuition to attend this retreat. Mention your registration for Author Fest on your registration form and your invoice will reflect the discount. I also offer military, education and hardship discounts. Please don't hesitate to inquire about them.
DON'T LET FINANCIAL ISSUES DISCOURAGE YOU! Let's work it out so you can attend and get away this fall.

Payment plans can be arranged.

Please pass the word along about the retreats to any artist you know. If you would like to send somebody or sponsor someone's tuition so they may attend, please contact me and let's make it happen. I fully believe in the power of being able to get away, relax and refresh your soul and how it can affect your life for the better.

Let me help add fuel to the creative fire within you. Trust me, you won't regret this, at all. And if you bring a group with you or if you want to get away with a writing group or reading group etc...or visual arts co-op or class etc., I will surely give a group discount.
Help me, help you.

Yours in Retreats, Rethinking the Reasons and Restarting the Fire,

Cicily

PS: I'm partial to the retreats because they're my brainchild. Of course I think they work wonders! They always do for me...but don't take my word for it, instead, take these folks and their words:

"Words Fail...there aren't many venues out there that provide such a safe and comforting environment for creativity..." ~J. Gilstrap, 2012

"I can't tell you how much this experience has encouraged me and changed my perspective. I feel like I lost a part of who I was and here I found myself again. This is truly priceless to me." ~J. McQuade, 2009

"I have just spent the last week living (and working) in a Muir landscape. It has been fantastic, and one of the few experiences of adult life that lived up to the fairy-tale expectations of youth. Thank you!" ~E. Schneider, 2008

"Before the retreat, I had been through some challenges...please know that my experience at the retreat, at a deep level, helped me overcome these challenges and emerge ever more dedicated to writing." A. ~2009

"For the first time in a long time I have a dream for the future that's now mine for the taking!" ~B. Pedas, 2009

Roots that Refuse to Burn

Quote of the Day:

A house is not a home unless it contains

 food & fire for the mind as well as the body.

~Ben Franklin~

Current Local Weather:

Blissfully breathing in the almost clear air

Sharp winds present, reminding us daily of the

smoky dragon carcass sitting in the canyon.

Currently on iTunes:

“We Found Love”
Rhianna

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends,

Don’t know if you heard about this, as it wasn’t in the news nearly as much as it should have been, but the whole F’ing town was on fire. The pic below is where it all started. 

Two weeks prior to this fire, Ella, Margo and I went hiking up the once beautiful Waldo Canyon (a.k.a. The Dragon). Right away, Ella had an issue with the 14% grade as we began to go up. She kept looking over the side and saying, “Mom, if I start rolling down that side, I’m going to fall right on down to the city! Don’t you know how high up we are?” She was panicking…big-time. As if on cue, two strapping young lads walked up near where we were and I asked them to talk to Ella.

Goal: To get her to calm down so we can get to the end before we get permanent burns from the sun.

They told her (and they were sooo cute and placating, makes me wish I was 19 again), “don’t worry; nothing really rolls down this mountain. Idiots like us wouldn’t be hiking here if that were possible.”

Hindsight being sharper than 20/20 or any other Bahbah Wa-Wa show, we now know that what they said is absolutely not true. Personally, I’m just thrilled we got to hike it and see the beauty that is available within a 10 sq mile radius of our home.

But, we did it. And I tell ya, we were proud.                                                                                                                     

Ok. Enough of that. Moving on to other matters and bothers of the day. Look at the picture below. Here’s where this blog becomes a horror story. This was taken earlier this week. This is what that beautiful canyon has done to our town.

It’s as sobering as it gets. It is the reality of my hometown.

Next morning, this is what we saw:

What struck me as odd about this pic is not the fact that it looks like a war zone, or that the cars are just as crispy and crunchy as the Colonel’s Original Recipe, is that the houses are gone but the trees are still standing.

Trees should have been the first things to go, adding fuel to the fire to burn the structures around them. However, as proven by this pic and others of the Waldo Canyon Fire Disaster, a.k.a. “Hell on Earth, 2012,”(thanks for the quote Mr. President) this is not the case.

Fires, regardless of the destruction they cause, do serve a purpose. It’s like nature's way of going to the IT department and saying…something’s not running right. And the IT department saying…did you turn it off and then back on? And like any obedient child of Mother Nature, they turn on the flame and start the world over.

Even though this fire took away 2 lives (God, thank you. It could have been so so so so many more), a HUGE amount of homes and a city’s general feel-good mojo, it didn’t tear down the family that is and always will be, Colorado Springs. What I love about this town is that it’s not hard to know everyone that’s on your block. It’s not hard to find your way around and if you get lost, there are people always willing to help you.

We’ve got a STRONG military presence.

We’ve got a STRONG economy.

We’ve got the STRONGEST sense of community of any place I’ve lived.

We’ve got, mostly, STRONG people and leaders.

We’ve got a STRONG sense of each other. 

We have a STRONG presence in the world.

We’ve DESTROYED what tried to DESTROY us.

We are STRONGER for it.

That’s right: We found love in a hopeless place.

When the shit hit the fan, there wasn’t mass chaos. It was an eerie calm. People were going about their business until someone got on the television and said, hey folks, mass vacation. Everyone get the hell out. Well, they said something like that.

There were news crews, cameras, twittering journalists, facebooking realists and random people, LOTS of them, asking how they could help. And not in the way of, how can we help from afar, it was more of the, our hands are already dirty in this town, so let’s go ahead and get filthy in the name of saving our city.

Hickenlooper and all of his pals remained calm. Thank the Lord.

Police, Firefighters, and all emergency personnel rallied. It was like this was a real life Cowboys-vs.-Aliens and we beat the ever living shit out of the Mothership.

So take that, Ms. Mother Nature. Ha. You can burn our house, but you can’t destroy our family tree. F#*@^ you.

We’re still here. In solidarity. Stronger than before. So here’s the first-draft of our community-warning letter:

Dear Mother Nature,

We hope this letter finds you well. We understand its raining on your plans to destroy us. Sorry about that. But you have to understand something…although we love what you’ve provided for us thus far and your beauty is always, whether destructive or not, awe-inspiring, please take note that we are NOT dead. We are still standing. We are STRONGER than your mountains. We are STRONGER than your wind, your embers or any other ball of fire you tried to send our way. We are taking our city back and you’re not in charge. Sorry. There’s a new order here. Don’t fuck with us again. Our family tree is stronger than you. 

Love,
Colorado Springs

a.k.a. your favorite Kick-Ass At-Altitude Community

Ok, Colorado Springs…got thoughts on the draft of my letter to Mother Nature? Send em. Send me stories of community via the comments for the blog. Let’s start a trend. A positive trend. A #WeWillNotBeDestroyedByFlames Tweeting Trend…Our hopeless place now has more love than ever before. Bring it.

Thank you to all who helped save us. We love you…and not the middle school kind of crush like love, we love you as if our lives depended on this love. Trust me on this.

Yours in Rage, Relief and Realizing the True Meaning of Community,

Cicily  

I Should Have Waxed My Brows & Other Thoughts On Re-Entering the Asylum

I should have waxed my brows
And paid more attention to my lips
as there is nothing more of me, but a pair of sagging hips.

I should have said hello
to those I didn't know

Or said goodbye to those that
didn't take the chance to say, Hi.

I should have known that God would smile
knowing that this took a while
and would say, you have no worries, my child. 

I should have known to finish my work
before I opened my mouth
and looked like a jerk.

I should have wished more love to my world
but it doesn't matter to them, the things I cared for,
like, if my hair was straight, gone or curled.

I should have taken the trash out
before the diapers soured
and the oranges began to pout.

I should have known that the first
would hurt the most
the last, wouldn't kill me,
or be the worst.

For I should have listened
to those that said, I love you
and you're my friend.

I should have done more for those I know,
I should have done...more to say
I love you...you're my life, my love, my end. 


Okay, enough is enough. Hope you get the message...loud and clear. As they say, whoever THEY are, see ya on the flipside.

Yours in Cutting, Curing and Courting Loves Lost and Found,

Cicily

Third Person Dreams

Quote of the Day: 

You have to believe that love will be there when you need it. 

~Claire Danes~ 

Current Local Weather: 

 Snow. Slate-Cleansing snow.

Currently on my iPod: 

"What Might Have Been"
Little Texas

Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends...

I love the anticipation of a good snow storm. 

Growing up in GA meant I had an unusual sense of the awesomeness known as snow. While growing up it didn't take much. The mere thought of snow meant we (my generation and younger) began, almost immediately, to hold out for our biggest hope of all hopes that school would cease to exist. It's not that we didn't care about learning or bettering ourselves, it was because flaky white goodness was the end all be all of seasonal rewards. We could stay up late and watch HBO, we didn't have to study! We could sleep in! Or better yet we could go into the ice, dressed in our once a year winter jacket and learn the ups and downs of frostbite. 

Snow days ranked up there with waiting for Jesus/Guffman or the next Zombie Apocalypse. It just HAS to happen, right? 

Snow is THE Jabberwocky of all things weather related in the South. It HAS to be real, right? 

Just because we lived in the South didn't mean we didn't deserve days off of school for snow! But they were rare, hardly seen, hardly felt, feared by the adults and loved by kids. Snow...ah, the snow. The silent beauty.

Ah...memories...I'm reminded, while keeping one eye anxiously on the window, two ears plugged into Fleetwood Mac and my fingers moving to spin a yarn for you all, of those days and those third person dreams. Dreams of this type tend to appear as crazy or unfounded by those that believe dreaming is frivolous and hard work is the only bedfellow a person should have. I suppose those of us that do dream need to hold tight to our third person dreams for those that don't. It's our duty. There are those of us that weren't born to dream, we were born dreaming. Of course we lose our way and forget how we got where we are. Reminders of this life are sometimes blind, blunt and bewildering. This is when we must allow our peers to hold their third person dreams out there for us to borrow, enhance and send back for the next. 

This isn't always easy. As I get older and the snow storms become more of an expected nuisance, dreaming of a clean white slate of a day seems frivolous and boring, a waste of space in my mind. But it isn't. If we're not careful, as adults, we will soon be left with only a reflection of ourselves in those snow covered hills. By the time this happens we honestly risk our lives staring at that snow-covered hill. We will have forgotten to play in the snow and become a paranoid of avalanches, dreamless person.

I love the Fleetwood Mac song,  

Landslide.  

***And the link is to the best version out there.***

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 

until the landslide brought me down...

oh mirror in the sky, what is love..

can the child within my heart, rise above.

Can I sail through the changing ocean tide, 

can I handle the seasons of my life...

Well, I've been afraid of changing, cause I built my life around you.

But time makes you bolder, even children get older, and I'm getting older too.

Oh I'm getting older too...so... 

Take this love, take it down. 

If you climb a mountain and you turn around. 

and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

well the landslide will bring you down...down...

and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills....

well maybe, the landslide will bring you down...

well, well, the landslide will bring you down.

Nothing like a good Stevie Nicks set of lyrics to bring the tears on...and you back to your dreaming self. 

So, what's the point? I have to confess. I'm amidst something I think could be great, honestly so. And no, it's not my medical crap. I've recently experienced something I'd rather keep to myself for now. It started as a hope/fear of the unknown and became this unexpected, wonderful and worrisome thing all at once. Turns out, I'm smack dab in the middle of a third person dream. Someone from an unknown constellation is lending this to me and they knew right when I needed it. This isn't my dream. It's, at least not from where I stand, always a good thing but looks like it might get there. 

It's a landslide. 

It's ok. I'll either die trying to find a safe place for myself in it or I will live to see what the land beneath it looks like. Either way, I can't complain. I don't know what I haven't seen. I don't understand what I can't hear or feel and like most, I fear all of it. The good and bad, the known and unknown. We're bred to live in a life where we address those that are part of our current known dream in the second person and find it ridiculous to live in the third and observe our lives from the outside in. Even if only for a moment. 

My third person life kinda goes like this: Cicily likes to dream in color. She finds the best people she possibly can and attaches herself to them like one of those sticky octopuses that walk on walls that she used to collect from Happy meals...She thinks Salt-Water Taffy was invented by dentists, slips in & out of conscious thought all day long and truly believes that snow is the best of all known distractions. Cicily is currently dreaming. Please don't disturb her. Just trust it will get better, just like she does.

Yours in Dreams, Drifts and Delivering a Delirious Draft,

Cicily

 

Another Day...Another...Uh...Dollar? Hell no. It's ANOTHER DAY!

Quote of the Day:

*apologies ahead of time for the length of this*

The future used to be such an abstract idea...but then it has the nerve to show up

and it's like it's expecting us to do something without 
the slightest intention of giving us a lending hand.

~Kurt...Glee~ 

Current Local Weather: 

Shit. Followed by a well-intentioned feeling of 

reluctance and sunshine...for now.

Currently on my iPod: 
*Most beautiful version available. Promise. Buy it.*

"Moonlight in Vermont"  
State of Art
Ben Williams

Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends, and one particular friend...

Last year, right around that horrid day known as Valentines Day, I wrote a letter more to myself and my daughters about the love I didn't need and the one I did need and one year, almost to the date...kinda, I'm finding myself writing a love note to someone who's been in my life for a while. And no, it isn't THAT kind of love note. I'm not getting hitched, or even asking for a hitched ride to nowhere'sville of love villas. This is something that is coming from the heart. And it is for one of my dearest friends. And yes, the latest episode of Glee was about that four letter word...you know...starts with an L and often ends with heartbreak...the big one..."Love"...was killer. It took care to show that love is messy, sucks ass sometimes and is often not what you thought it was or what other people had you believe it should be or could be and often, if you get it right before you die, you realize that the love you had, was often what you always wanted it to be. 

Ok, for those that know me, I will quit with the teenagey TV melocomedrama talk...enough Gleeage.


Yes this is public. But this is for all dozen or so readers to take in but not to digest in the way I am writing it. This is being written as a public declaration to someone who's name will be never-ever be mentioned...but I need to push a little. He's been down on his "A-game" and he needs a boost. I feel he's thinking he may be or very well is probably losing his coveted monopoly piece in this game of messy, often costly life and is trying desperately to win it back on Ebay...A friend. It seems like an eternity of a life has passed since I met this friend, But it's not a life I know or one I don't think I've had the privilege to live in the flesh...or at the very least, it's one I've lost the source codes for.

So, This is for you. And yes, it really is. 


Tomorrrow is always a new day. How frolickin'' cliche' of me. But just because you're roaming without or at-best, sketchy coverage, doesn't mean a thing in this modern day and age. I'm pretty sure that your smart-phone and brain is wired to change GPS coordinates with the turn of the breeze that says all the things you don't need to hear and even better those sayings come from one of those satellites that everyone knows exist but will never see.  Or maybe you will. I have the feeling that neither of us will know what that satellite looks like until we've found the flip-side. But we both know that the B-side, the flip-side as they say in the industry, is always the better one. It's the one that the musicians and artists let their true lights shine on and on and on.

And I felt a dire need to make this public, because I too, need to hear it, even after it came out of my own brain. 

But really, I have to ask, what was this "L" word invented for if not for our own edification? It's time for you to get with that program. I hear they meet 24/7, it's on every radio, every bandwidth of existence that's ever existed and is now visible on every inch of this planet. Believe it or not. But yes, Hallmark has actually found a new CEO and is busy covering the  world as we know it with an invisible cloak disguised as that taste, texture, sight and sound of love. Is it red velvet? I suppose it would be if you weren't blind or color-disabled.  

But this isn't romantic love. This is truly easy to be a part of. There's no fee to join. There's no commercial with the gorgeous Jennifer Hudson telling you how even though she looks "thinner" on the outside, she's fuller on the inside and the light she shines has always been there...This is a simple find at your local hardware store of life. They sell goggles of reality there in every size, shape and color. 

Just say the word and it changes. Life does. Love does. The greens turn to fields and the blues turn to endless sky and that azure dream you had while on the last plane you drifted to sleep on, is suddenly the color you see when you stare in the mirror and try to find the person behind the retinas that beg you, daily, for a clearer vision. 

You're a whole...beautiful soul. You have given your life to making sure that what was in front of you, that block known as your world is ok and where you are, whatever shape that takes on whatever day and time you're in, will be surefooted, heart wrenchingly meaningful, even if that meaning doesn't come to you while you're on this side of the vinyl tracks. 

And I say all of this with every single bit of life, love, blood, sweat and tears left inside me. And this doesn't just mean that I want that square foot you're standing on to smile...it is quite the opposite...I dream of a day, that you, one of my dearest friends, one who knows my head sometimes better than I, will take a look at the place that was rented out on your behalf on the very moment you entered the world...you were there...it was the day your mother and father rented you your first apartment, the one you've resided in since, that spacious, high ceiling loft with the view that goes beyond that vast footage in your heart, will be repaired beyond repair, beyond your wildest dreams and the repairman won't be the one with a grayed out mullet and a crack deeper than the river of Jordan, but by that one that has your number on speed dial and a magnet on your fridge...he's the only ONE that you need. He's got an eternal resume with a reference list that goes beyond every name ever invented. You're in need of repair, minor by comparison to some, major by comparison to those watching over you. Your heart, the love it shows to everyone else watching you, will return, maybe now, maybe ten years from now, but it WILL get there...to that most beautiful, original, made just for you...your size, shape and color (and that goes for your hair too)


Yours in Love, Lightening the Load and Listening when Words Aren't Present, 

C

 

 

Spring Cleaning

Quote of the Day:

You can not hate on me, because my mind is free.
~Jill Scott~

Current Local Weather:
Pollen. Cherry Trees. Fish Trees**.
Claritin D Season has finally arrived.
Late season moody clouds looming.

Currently on my iPod:
Give up the Funk
(Tear the Roof Off the Sucker)
Parliament

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends,

How are you? Really? Tell me more...get it out of your system...afterall it's Spring cleaning time.


This is one of the hardest times of the year. And not because it's often mistaken for a time of renewal and love and wonderfulness...because it is the time of year that sneaks up on us unsuspecting adults...We think that winter might last all year long. That the coziness of our sweats and loveliness of the fire in the hearth will continue to love us back, embracing our need to bundle up and snuggle down.

These feelings of warmth are short lived, unfortunately, and soon replaced by the constant feeling of impending doom.

The reality is this: school will soon be getting out for the summer. The ever present question of what to do over the summer...MOM! WE'RE BORED! So how do we juggle schedules and "vacations?" It rapidly becomes a trip to Nightmare city.



Then there's the shame and fear of your ever-widening hips being exposed to those cancer-causing and stressful stares and UV rays at the community pool in just a matter of months...eeks, make that weeks.



And certainly last but not least, there's the regret of that lover you met in the junk food aisle at the grocery store. It's good to have someone with you during the holidays whether it's for the right or wrong reasons, right? After all, it could be worse.

Right?

Wrong.

It's worse than the fate of an empty inbox on match.com. It's worse than your mother trying to set you up with a distant cousin because she doesn't want to deal with you moaning and groaning on New Year's Eve...

But no, not this year. You were not going to be the Bridget Jones of Powder Springs, GA. You didn't have to go to a dating website to find all you needed. You felt that you were so lucky in the beginning to have found TRUE LOVE!

He felt so good and was right there when you needed him. He held your hand and rubbed your shoulders through all of the holidays with your family. His name? Mr. Mallowbars, Mr. Quarter Pounder with Extra Cheese, Mr. Number One Meal Chick-Fil-A,



Mr. Yes, I'll take a super sized fries with that...Mr. Ramen Noodles, Mr. Snickers Ice Cream Bar, Mr. Russel Stover...he goes by ALL of those names and more. He's a real con-artist.


But he's also the one that stopped just short of being, THE ONE..(Mr. Washington, I'm still waiting for my phone call) the one whom you thought you had seriously dumped weeks ago but is being annoyingly persistent...texting, calling and wanting those late night booty calls at the refrigerator door and has the audacity to show up at all the local stores, waiting for you, beckoning for your lips at completely inappropriate times.


He is the one you really, honestly, seriously really had committed to. He loved you no matter what you looked like. But he is an asshole, a jerk, someone you can most definitely live without...the same one that is currently ruining your chance of moving on to find true happiness with the newest crush at the mall, aka Mr Gap skinny jeans and his current love, Ms. Old Navy Strappy summer-dress.

When will it ever end?!?! Ah, the madness....

Alas, this time is upon us and most certainly causing the demise of the self-esteem of women and girls in every dressing room in the country...as we speak, there are many of us who are trying on our "new" selves and praying that the latest trend bodes well with the skin we're currently residing in. But why is this?


Why is it that we, as a species, feels that we must look "new" and in touch with today's latest trends only to be disappointed by the end of May that all the clothes that were new and shiny and wonderful are gone, on clearance and betraying us with every mile we walk in the public eye?

But, fashion isn't our biggest enemy. Sure, it can bring someone down and possibly land them a spot on TLC's What Not To Wear....but it's not really an issue. Not in the bigger scheme of things. It's what happens in those dressing rooms and school bathrooms and in the privacy of private bathrooms in the homes of women and girls everywhere that should be more disgusted with. It's the itsy bitsy tees and the ordering of stripped down celery and water for dinner that we should be worried about.

I LOVE PINK. I loved her with her first appearance in the public eye. But I really fell in love with her when the song, STUPID GIRLS, came out. No, I'm not calling anyone stupid, but geeze, she's right. Listen here:




It is spring coming up on summer and the societal norm says that women should be "bikini" perfect. Embracing your inner beauty and trying on a bathing suit just isn't something that usually goes together. It's like asking for the perfect bowl of Mac-n-chz and then when it arrives, pouring ketchup all over it and taking a bite. Blech! (yes Chris, that was for you)


So I want to challenge all of my lady friends, their daughters and their daughter's daughters and every other woman I know or would like to know AND all of the men who love them to do something different this year. Instead of "Spring Cleaning" inside your house, why don't you consider cleaning out something much more important...oxyclean and scrub with bleach that wasteful, gutter-ish school of thought that American marketing execs have created within. Regardless of who you are, where you are on the road to success or where you are on the scale, the bigger picture needs to be one of love. Self-love. Self-esteem, self-interest, discovering the real self you have inside kinda love.

Who gives a s*#@ what you look like. Self-respect is much different than and much more important than just the "look" you're sporting. Yes, take care of yourself. Break-up, on a permanent basis, with the man in your pantry and his greasy, ever disgusting fingers. Don't let him taint your view of yourself. Chocolate and fries only land you a seat in the upper class of misery. Take care of yourself so you can be there for your kids, your spouse, your best-friend, your dogs and cats and fishes....take care of you, get to know you this spring. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the size you're struggling to smear on your ass right now in the Gap dressing room is equivalent to your self-worth. It's not. Never will be.



I know WAY too many people in my life right now that don't know the difference between the two. Including myself on more days than not. I'm writing this as a self-declaration. I will not let my looks trump my real self. I will not let any man, woman or in-between judge me for anything less or more than I actually am. Please don't let me down by letting someone get to you in such a way that your mind becomes cluttered with the wrong kind of crap. Fill it with ideas, informed decisions and love instead. You are worth the world.

It doesn't matter where you're at right now, it's probably filthy. Clean it out and remember that you're not alone. We've all been there or will be there at some point. Stand up for you. I love all of the people in my life, regardless of where we are, where we've been or where we're going...

Yours in Self-Esteem, Satisfying my Inner Sister and Sizing Up the Real Reason Why I Write,

Cicily

**FISH TREES: These are Bradford Pear Trees that are in bloom as we speak, in GA. They lined the campus of my high school and smell like Rotten FISH! Hence the lovely affectionate pet name they earn by all of the kiddos at McEachern High School.**

An Ex-Life a.k.a. I'm Still Waiting For Nick Cage and/or Denzel Washington to Ask Me to Marry Him

Quote of the Day:
Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -
The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
~John Steinbeck~

Current Local Weather:
A break in the clouds will soon
reveal that all was not lost.

Currently on my iPod:
"The Very Thought of You"
Sean Jones
The Eternal Journey

Dear friends, family and my family of friends,

Life goes on. Sometimes at the pain and suffering of everyone and everything we know, but it does...it goes and goes and goes, kinda like the energizer bunny from hell. It is what it is. Everyone grieves, some of us just show it and experience it in different ways than others or than the traditional expectation of grief.

Today is Valentine's Day. This damned commercialized and horrific spectacle of American's ability to waste all kinds of money is in honor of some historical Christian martyr named St. Valentine . With hindsight being 20/20 at all times, it's only fitting that this day started because of a martyr. Given today's commercial hype of what today is SUPPOSED (assumed without the basis or probability to be likely) to be, if it becomes anything but the epitome of the Mass market Jewelery commercial world or the sappy romantic story portrayed on films like Sleepless in Seattle etc, it becomes a disappointment.

Just for the record, Wikipedia defines Martyr as somebody who suffers persecution and/or death for refusing to renounce a belief or cause. Usually this is a religious thing. Sometimes, especially after a particularly rough break-up or heartache of any sort, we become martyrs. We go into denial. We firmly believe that without the person we were once physically and emotionally attached to, that we will die. And we will gladly die in order to get that person back in our lives. Without them, we can't live on. We become victims of sappy love songs by Journey and Air Supply. We wash ourselves with the water of denial and pretend that we're clean, okay, happy. Life will eventually go back to the way it was because that's the way it should be.

But this is where the disappointment starts, your so-called "life" ends and the pain begins to multiply like gnats and maggots on a piece of rotten road kill in the middle of July.


Despondence.

Suffering.

Persecution.

Pain.

Loneliness.

Whatever.

We allow ourselves to relish in martyrdom. We don't want to cause any further harm or pain to the person that used to love us. Of course we don't want to do that. It was never an intention in the first place, but it was entirely one sided in the other person's mind up until the moment they destroyed the ideal relationship by breaking it off. After al, if you set out in a relationship to hurt someone, than there's something seriously wrong with you. Like, WTF? Really? Maybe you're the rebound sort of person in any relationship you start and never truly finish. Maybe you're an expert voodoo practitioner and want to experiment with someone's trust and heart...

This isn't the case for most. It's certainly not the case for me. I believe that it's healthy to own a voodoo doll, for therapy reasons. Just to get it, whatever it is, boyfriend, girlfriend, college prof that failed you more times than not, family members that failed you etc...out of your system. But it's only a silly, nonsensical and temporary solution. We're talking about the life you've modeled in your head, not the actual life that is being lived out in front of you. This isn't the real you or the real life that all the world can see, mock and destroy in less than a nanosecond.

This is reality.

I recently went through a horrific breakup, twice over. They are both still in progress, I suppose. I'm living right smack in the middle of my soon-to-be ex-life and trying very hard, to gain perspective.This is the most sought after skill and asset anyone can get after a breakup. Perspective. Usually a good friend is there to teach you all about it or slap you until you understand where it is you need to start and where it is you need to finish.

Tonight, I was talking to a good friend of mine and he asked me if I had written men off completely...I took a minute and thought long and hard about it and said, no.

This doesn't mean I think love is wonderful.

This doesn't mean I think my life is anywhere near okay right now. But I'm not in denial anymore. My ship has docked and I'm now standing on the shore with my water wings deflated and my ability to swim, gone...I'm living in quick sand and failing miserably at surviving.

This means I currently think that love, romantic love, SUCKS ASS. But this isn't a forever thing. I hope.

(Nick Cage, this blog is for you. If you're still wondering if I'll marry you, the answer is yes. Most. Definitely. But only if Denzel Washington doesn't get to me first.
You both have my home address and my cell phone number. Please call, text or email me and please lift the restraining order. I promise not to show up at either of your homes naked, ever again. Really I do.)

So back to reality. What to do now. I don't yet consider myself on the market. I want to love more than I do now, after all, love is the most awesomest, best thing ever. I want to be loved by someone other than kids and family. I want a companion. But I'm not looking. I need to raise my beautiful girls first and teach them to do as I say, not as I do. That's the good thing about life lessons. If you learn them early enough in life, you have the opportunity to share your experience, for good or bad, better or worse, with those younger and more wide-eyed than you. If only I could go back to the 8-yr old me and tell me what not to do. But then again, I wouldn't be who I am today without the pain and heartache and tragedy and comedies of my life thus far, right? Right.



So, I honestly don't know when/if I ever will consider myself on the market again. Trusting someone, as a friend, lover, companion and to put the toilet seat down in the middle of the night and to lie to you when you cook something horrible and tell the truth when you have lipstick on your teeth, is going to take some time.

I need to get over it and get on with it. In this sense, this blog is for me. It's only purpose is to put in writing what I need to be doing and get out of this current rut. I need to fall back in love with my original purpose and recognize that the person I was with these other people is not the person I want to be. After all, as my psuedo- I wish she was my real sister, ex boyfriend's sister said and rather bluntly so, why on earth do you want to be with someone that doesn't love you back.

She was right. I don't. Yes, I still love him.Very much so. If he asked me now to take him back, I would probably take a good long pause to think about it as I still think the world of him even though I shouldn't. But then I would say no. You're not the one. You never were. I know I should be more jaded but I'm not yet there. I'm past denial, past anger, past everything but the depression of it all.

But I can still love. I have the confidence in myself to do so. I can still want love, great sex, good wine, saucy risotto and someone to share the joys of life with. But it's just going to have to be someone truly wonderful and special and someone that thinks the world of me (honestly so) just as much as I think the world of them. It has to be someone that isn't a part of my ex-life and someone that is part of my new life. Someone that loves my kids and me for who we are. I don't really care if it takes another lifetime and a half to find this person, for if it never happens, it's okay. What's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Yeah, sure.




But do know that although I'm not myself lately and haven't been for a while that I still love you. All of you. My readers, my friends, my family, and everyone in between. Even those that have done wrong by me and that I've done wrong to.

Enjoy the rest of your Valentine's Martyr-ish kinda day and remember that you don't have to die inside in order to be loved on the outside and inside of who you really are.

Yours in Love, Wanderlust and Losing it All Just to Find You Were Never Lost in the First Place,

Cicily

PS: Speaking of love, keep your eye out for the next edition of Daniel Casey's cool site: Gently Read Literature. I have a review of an awesome, absolutely loved-it novel, Van Gogh's Ear by the stupendous writer, David Nash, coming out in the March issue.