Tuesday, February 15, 2011

An Ex-Life a.k.a. I'm Still Waiting For Nick Cage and/or Denzel Washington to Ask Me to Marry Him

Quote of the Day:
Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -
The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good ge
ts away.
~John Steinbeck~

Current Local Weather:
A break in the clouds will soon
reveal that all was not lost.

Currently on my iPod:
"The Very Thought of You"
Sean Jones
The Eternal Journey

Dear friends, family and my family of friends,

Life goes on. Sometimes at the pain and suffering of everyone and everything we know, but it does...it goes and goes and goes, kinda like the energizer bunny from hell. It is what it is. Everyone grieves, some of us just show it and experience it in different ways than others or than the traditional expectation of grief.

Today is Valentine's Day. This damned commercialized and horrific spectacle of American's ability to waste all kinds of money is in honor of some historical Christian martyr named St. Valentine . With hindsight being 20/20 at all times, it's only fitting that this day started because of a martyr. Given today's commercial hype of what today is SUPPOSED (assumed without the basis or probability to be likely) to be, if it becomes anything but the epitome of the Mass market Jewelery commercial world or the sappy romantic story portrayed on films like Sleepless in Seattle etc, it becomes a disappointment.

Just for the record, Wikipedia defines Martyr as somebody who suffers persecution and/or death for refusing to renounce a belief or cause. Usually this is a religious thing. Sometimes, especially after a particularly rough break-up or heartache of any sort, we become martyrs. We go into denial. We firmly believe that without the person we were once physically and emotionally attached to, that we will die. And we will gladly die in order to get that person back in our lives. Without them, we can't live on. We become victims of sappy love songs by Journey and Air Supply. We wash ourselves with the water of denial and pretend that we're clean, okay, happy. Life will eventually go back to the way it was because that's the way it should be.

But this is where the disappointment starts, your so-called "life" ends and the pain begins to multiply like gnats and maggots on a piece of rotten road kill in the middle of July.







We allow ourselves to relish in martyrdom. We don't want to cause any further harm or pain to the person that used to love us. Of course we don't want to do that. It was never an intention in the first place, but it was entirely one sided in the other person's mind up until the moment they destroyed the ideal relationship by breaking it off. After al, if you set out in a relationship to hurt someone, than there's something seriously wrong with you. Like, WTF? Really? Maybe you're the rebound sort of person in any relationship you start and never truly finish. Maybe you're an expert voodoo practitioner and want to experiment with someone's trust and heart...

This isn't the case for most. It's certainly not the case for me. I believe that it's healthy to own a voodoo doll, for therapy reasons. Just to get it, whatever it is, boyfriend, girlfriend, college prof that failed you more times than not, family members that failed you etc...out of your system. But it's only a silly, nonsensical and temporary solution. We're talking about the life you've modeled in your head, not the actual life that is being lived out in front of you. This isn't the real you or the real life that all the world can see, mock and destroy in less than a nanosecond.

This is reality.

I recently went through a horrific breakup, twice over. They are both still in progress, I suppose. I'm living right smack in the middle of my soon-to-be ex-life and trying very hard, to gain perspective.This is the most sought after skill and asset anyone can get after a breakup. Perspective. Usually a good friend is there to teach you all about it or slap you until you understand where it is you need to start and where it is you need to finish.

Tonight, I was talking to a good friend of mine and he asked me if I had written men off completely...I took a minute and thought long and hard about it and said, no.

This doesn't mean I think love is wonderful.

This doesn't mean I think my life is anywhere near okay right now. But I'm not in denial anymore. My ship has docked and I'm now standing on the shore with my water wings deflated and my ability to swim, gone...I'm living in quick sand and failing miserably at surviving.

This means I currently think that love, romantic love, SUCKS ASS. But this isn't a forever thing. I hope.

(Nick Cage, this blog is for you. If you're still wondering if I'll marry you, the answer is yes. Most. Definitely. But only if Denzel Washington doesn't get to me first.
You both have my home address and my cell phone number. Please call, text or email me and please lift the restraining order. I promise not to show up at either of your homes naked, ever again. Really I do.)

So back to reality. What to do now. I don't yet consider myself on the market. I want to love more than I do now, after all, love is the most awesomest, best thing ever. I want to be loved by someone other than kids and family. I want a companion. But I'm not looking. I need to raise my beautiful girls first and teach them to do as I say, not as I do. That's the good thing about life lessons. If you learn them early enough in life, you have the opportunity to share your experience, for good or bad, better or worse, with those younger and more wide-eyed than you. If only I could go back to the 8-yr old me and tell me what not to do. But then again, I wouldn't be who I am today without the pain and heartache and tragedy and comedies of my life thus far, right? Right.

So, I honestly don't know when/if I ever will consider myself on the market again. Trusting someone, as a friend, lover, companion and to put the toilet seat down in the middle of the night and to lie to you when you cook something horrible and tell the truth when you have lipstick on your teeth, is going to take some time.

I need to get over it and get on with it. In this sense, this blog is for me. It's only purpose is to put in writing what I need to be doing and get out of this current rut. I need to fall back in love with my original purpose and recognize that the person I was with these other people is not the person I want to be. After all, as my psuedo- I wish she was my real sister, ex boyfriend's sister said and rather bluntly so, why on earth do you want to be with someone that doesn't love you back.

She was right. I don't. Yes, I still love him.Very much so. If he asked me now to take him back, I would probably take a good long pause to think about it as I still think the world of him even though I shouldn't. But then I would say no. You're not the one. You never were. I know I should be more jaded but I'm not yet there. I'm past denial, past anger, past everything but the depression of it all.

But I can still love. I have the confidence in myself to do so. I can still want love, great sex, good wine, saucy risotto and someone to share the joys of life with. But it's just going to have to be someone truly wonderful and special and someone that thinks the world of me (honestly so) just as much as I think the world of them. It has to be someone that isn't a part of my ex-life and someone that is part of my new life. Someone that loves my kids and me for who we are. I don't really care if it takes another lifetime and a half to find this person, for if it never happens, it's okay. What's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Yeah, sure.

But do know that although I'm not myself lately and haven't been for a while that I still love you. All of you. My readers, my friends, my family, and everyone in between. Even those that have done wrong by me and that I've done wrong to.

Enjoy the rest of your Valentine's Martyr-ish kinda day and remember that you don't have to die inside in order to be loved on the outside and inside of who you really are.

Yours in Love, Wanderlust and Losing it All Just to Find You Were Never Lost in the First Place,


PS: Speaking of love, keep your eye out for the next edition of Daniel Casey's cool site: Gently Read Literature. I have a review of an awesome, absolutely loved-it novel, Van Gogh's Ear by the stupendous writer, David Nash, coming out in the March issue.


Englishmajor said...

Cicily, maybe true love is when you cook something terrible for your lover, and they know it's terrible, but they smile and eat it anyway instead of telling you the truth about it, and it can all be unspoken because they know you know and you know they know and love transcends tough roast beef anyways. Tada. I used to pray for someone to come into my life until one day I decided that was stupid and formerly announced (just to myself) that I was THROUGH LOOKING and the world and men in general could kiss my butt. THEN I found someone. Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out alive, after all. Angst is optional, never forget. Love yourself and those babies, REALLY, and the rest will fall in place

Travis Erwin said...

There is a reason heart and hurt so so very much alike.

Travis Erwin said...

At least they do when spoken with a Texas accent