Monday, March 17, 2008

Why You Should ALWAYS Clean Out Your Car Before an Oil Change

Quote of the Week:
Creativity is the sudden cessation of stupidity.
~Edwin Land

Currently on my IPOD:
Get Out of my Dreams (and into my car)
~Billy Ocean

Local Weather:
Unexpected snow showers followed by
fits of unexplained, non-drug induced giddiness.

Dear Friends Egg Hunters and Easter Bunnies,

In light of the coming holiday, I must promote the Bunny Blogs (There’s murder! Mayhem and general Insanity all Around!) I saw a piece on the RAW site, (aka Random Acts of Writing) and since I didn’t live near the magazine, I couldn’t contribute or submit. Well, I submit to everywhere. This would be no exception. I decided to respond to the story on the blog where it was promoted. Next thing I know, the writer of the story replied, in character. We kept it going for months. At this point there are 52 threads to the story. It was all completely off the cuff, every thread was in response to the last. In my opinion this was some of the most fun I have ever had writing. PLEASE go check it out. I am not sure what happened to the editors of this cute site, but the blog and story thread are still up.

Moving on...This week has been interesting. I have started the total re-write of the MS. I am taking it from third person POV to first person. A challenge to say the least. But I have to agree with my readers, the story is much better in this voice. We’ll see if I can keep it up for the next several hundred pages.

As the title of my blog says, this is often times, a blog about you. I like to catch people in their embarassing moments or when they aren’t watching and observe, write it down and laugh later along with you. So, I decided to write about one of my most embarassing moments today. Life in Colorado Springs has been more dull than usual as far as observances. The story I have to tell you has two parts.

The week before this incident Ryan and I got married. Traditionally, after a wedding, the bridesmaids and groomsmen go out and decorate the get away car. Ryan and I rented a limo for after the wedding to take us to a hotel, The Ritz, to be exact...Was beautiful there. Three steps into the room, Ryan walked after me and stepped on the back of my dress, ripping the bustle out. Yeah, explaining that to my mother was difficult. She didn’t believe me. Anyway, we didn’t even get a chance to see the damage to our car, which we were driving to Michigan the next day, until the morning after the wedding. My poor father, had to drive the car for about twenty miles. So here’s this middle aged man, by himself in a decorated "just married" car. And of course there’s no gas...He stops at a gas station and the whole world was staring, at least that’s what he said it seemed like to him.

The next morning we stop for brunch with our families and then head up to Michigan. The car? Trashed. There is a gummy tongue stuck to the outside of the gas cap, a few billion condoms blown up all over the car, including the ones hanging from the antenna. Inside the car? Worse. Condom wrappers, bottles of lube in every compartment, I think there might have even been a book on sexual positions tucked away somewhere too. Front windshield had big circles drawn in paint saying bride and groom. The back, said: Just doing it since 10-28-2000.

Your friends are your life line, right? Yeah, I laughed, but then called them all later that week and said...Alright, next time...And we have an exact estimation of how many friends were in on the act. The photographer took a picture of everyone at the wedding afterwards and there were key guests that were missing. Uh-huh..Caught you with your hands in your pants, didn’t I.

Ryan and I survived the drive from Georgia to Michigan, including all the weird glances, stares and honks. And like all married couples, soon enough we settled into our lives.

About a week after the drive, I realized it was time to get my oil changed. Yes, we had the car cleaned out for the most part. The gummy tongue had been extracted (never stick gummy candy to the outside of someone’s car! Its damn near impossible to get off after a few hundred miles of driving with it on), the paint had been removed, and it started to look like a perfectly normal piece of shit car. (1996 Toyota Tercel) Before I started my new job as a nurse, I had to run a few errands, changing my name at the DMV, Social Security Office...and later that afternoon I had to get my oil changed.

I dropped it off to one of those Oil-O-Rama Drive through type places and then sat in the waiting room for about twenty minutes while the men worked. I was sitting right next to the glass window facing the oil bays and everyonce in a while, I got a curious look from some of the guys. Then one would point...and another guy would walk over etc.. This continued the whole time. Twenty minutes or so later a nice guy whose name I have forgotten walked into the smelly room and proceeded to tell me the car was ready. What was so weird? Well, couldn’t have been the shit-eating grin plastered around his face.

I must say that my wedding ring wasn’t on, I believe I either had to have it sized or something of that nature. But for whatever reason, it wasn’t on that day. He then started making small talk. All I wanted to do was get out of there and on with my life. So, where you from? What’s your name? You new around here? Hold on, my buddy Fred (or whatever his name was) wants to meet you. Yeah, we go down to the bar on Fridays...etc...

I quickly paid and despite their overly friendly nature, I left without offering any information. I had never really been to Holland Michigan before, and I thought that maybe these people were just really nice. I had heard the mid-west could be very accommodating.....Shaking it off as just some young guys hitting on a young gal, I got into the car and didn’t think another thing about it until...

The mats in the front driver side seat were kind of jostled around. I went to straighten them up and what do I find? Condom wrappers. EMPTY CONDOM WRAPPERS...AND LOTS OF THEM. Oh-no. Double oh-no. I continue to look around the car. There are wrappers under every single car mat.

I’m sure these guys were under the impression that I was the one woman red-light district in Holland. Fantastic. As I pulled out of the oil change station, mortified, ALL of the men working that day, stopped what they were doing and waved. Very politely, they smiled and I can only imagine what was going through their heads.

Lesson to be learned: ALWAYS CLEAN YOUR CAR OUT BEFORE AN OIL CHANGE OR ANY OTHER SERVICE IS DONE ON IT. Oh, and wear clean undies at all times in case you are in an accident and have to be stripped naked at the side of the road. I’ll give you the reason for that piece of advice next week. Stay Tuned for more Weird Car Tales from Cicily...

Have a great week and an even better Easter. Start thawing out your ham’s now my friends. Anyone that wants my Bourbon Pecan Tart or Key Lime Pound Cake Recipe for Easter dessert, feel free to email me.

Yours in Condoms, Condoning Dirty Cars and Covering My Face in Light of Utter Humiliation,



bookfraud said...

i hate it when i go to holland,mi, and forget to take all the condom wrappers out of the car before an oil change. i just hate that.

good luck on going from third to first person on the ms. i've done the opposite -- first to third -- and it isn't easy. good luck...

Chancelucky said...

I think it's better that it was the empty wrappers than the used condoms themselves....