Spring Cleaning

Quote of the Day:

You can not hate on me, because my mind is free.
~Jill Scott~

Current Local Weather:
Pollen. Cherry Trees. Fish Trees**.
Claritin D Season has finally arrived.
Late season moody clouds looming.

Currently on my iPod:
Give up the Funk
(Tear the Roof Off the Sucker)
Parliament

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends,

How are you? Really? Tell me more...get it out of your system...afterall it's Spring cleaning time.


This is one of the hardest times of the year. And not because it's often mistaken for a time of renewal and love and wonderfulness...because it is the time of year that sneaks up on us unsuspecting adults...We think that winter might last all year long. That the coziness of our sweats and loveliness of the fire in the hearth will continue to love us back, embracing our need to bundle up and snuggle down.

These feelings of warmth are short lived, unfortunately, and soon replaced by the constant feeling of impending doom.

The reality is this: school will soon be getting out for the summer. The ever present question of what to do over the summer...MOM! WE'RE BORED! So how do we juggle schedules and "vacations?" It rapidly becomes a trip to Nightmare city.



Then there's the shame and fear of your ever-widening hips being exposed to those cancer-causing and stressful stares and UV rays at the community pool in just a matter of months...eeks, make that weeks.



And certainly last but not least, there's the regret of that lover you met in the junk food aisle at the grocery store. It's good to have someone with you during the holidays whether it's for the right or wrong reasons, right? After all, it could be worse.

Right?

Wrong.

It's worse than the fate of an empty inbox on match.com. It's worse than your mother trying to set you up with a distant cousin because she doesn't want to deal with you moaning and groaning on New Year's Eve...

But no, not this year. You were not going to be the Bridget Jones of Powder Springs, GA. You didn't have to go to a dating website to find all you needed. You felt that you were so lucky in the beginning to have found TRUE LOVE!

He felt so good and was right there when you needed him. He held your hand and rubbed your shoulders through all of the holidays with your family. His name? Mr. Mallowbars, Mr. Quarter Pounder with Extra Cheese, Mr. Number One Meal Chick-Fil-A,



Mr. Yes, I'll take a super sized fries with that...Mr. Ramen Noodles, Mr. Snickers Ice Cream Bar, Mr. Russel Stover...he goes by ALL of those names and more. He's a real con-artist.


But he's also the one that stopped just short of being, THE ONE..(Mr. Washington, I'm still waiting for my phone call) the one whom you thought you had seriously dumped weeks ago but is being annoyingly persistent...texting, calling and wanting those late night booty calls at the refrigerator door and has the audacity to show up at all the local stores, waiting for you, beckoning for your lips at completely inappropriate times.


He is the one you really, honestly, seriously really had committed to. He loved you no matter what you looked like. But he is an asshole, a jerk, someone you can most definitely live without...the same one that is currently ruining your chance of moving on to find true happiness with the newest crush at the mall, aka Mr Gap skinny jeans and his current love, Ms. Old Navy Strappy summer-dress.

When will it ever end?!?! Ah, the madness....

Alas, this time is upon us and most certainly causing the demise of the self-esteem of women and girls in every dressing room in the country...as we speak, there are many of us who are trying on our "new" selves and praying that the latest trend bodes well with the skin we're currently residing in. But why is this?


Why is it that we, as a species, feels that we must look "new" and in touch with today's latest trends only to be disappointed by the end of May that all the clothes that were new and shiny and wonderful are gone, on clearance and betraying us with every mile we walk in the public eye?

But, fashion isn't our biggest enemy. Sure, it can bring someone down and possibly land them a spot on TLC's What Not To Wear....but it's not really an issue. Not in the bigger scheme of things. It's what happens in those dressing rooms and school bathrooms and in the privacy of private bathrooms in the homes of women and girls everywhere that should be more disgusted with. It's the itsy bitsy tees and the ordering of stripped down celery and water for dinner that we should be worried about.

I LOVE PINK. I loved her with her first appearance in the public eye. But I really fell in love with her when the song, STUPID GIRLS, came out. No, I'm not calling anyone stupid, but geeze, she's right. Listen here:




It is spring coming up on summer and the societal norm says that women should be "bikini" perfect. Embracing your inner beauty and trying on a bathing suit just isn't something that usually goes together. It's like asking for the perfect bowl of Mac-n-chz and then when it arrives, pouring ketchup all over it and taking a bite. Blech! (yes Chris, that was for you)


So I want to challenge all of my lady friends, their daughters and their daughter's daughters and every other woman I know or would like to know AND all of the men who love them to do something different this year. Instead of "Spring Cleaning" inside your house, why don't you consider cleaning out something much more important...oxyclean and scrub with bleach that wasteful, gutter-ish school of thought that American marketing execs have created within. Regardless of who you are, where you are on the road to success or where you are on the scale, the bigger picture needs to be one of love. Self-love. Self-esteem, self-interest, discovering the real self you have inside kinda love.

Who gives a s*#@ what you look like. Self-respect is much different than and much more important than just the "look" you're sporting. Yes, take care of yourself. Break-up, on a permanent basis, with the man in your pantry and his greasy, ever disgusting fingers. Don't let him taint your view of yourself. Chocolate and fries only land you a seat in the upper class of misery. Take care of yourself so you can be there for your kids, your spouse, your best-friend, your dogs and cats and fishes....take care of you, get to know you this spring. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the size you're struggling to smear on your ass right now in the Gap dressing room is equivalent to your self-worth. It's not. Never will be.



I know WAY too many people in my life right now that don't know the difference between the two. Including myself on more days than not. I'm writing this as a self-declaration. I will not let my looks trump my real self. I will not let any man, woman or in-between judge me for anything less or more than I actually am. Please don't let me down by letting someone get to you in such a way that your mind becomes cluttered with the wrong kind of crap. Fill it with ideas, informed decisions and love instead. You are worth the world.

It doesn't matter where you're at right now, it's probably filthy. Clean it out and remember that you're not alone. We've all been there or will be there at some point. Stand up for you. I love all of the people in my life, regardless of where we are, where we've been or where we're going...

Yours in Self-Esteem, Satisfying my Inner Sister and Sizing Up the Real Reason Why I Write,

Cicily

**FISH TREES: These are Bradford Pear Trees that are in bloom as we speak, in GA. They lined the campus of my high school and smell like Rotten FISH! Hence the lovely affectionate pet name they earn by all of the kiddos at McEachern High School.**

An Ex-Life a.k.a. I'm Still Waiting For Nick Cage and/or Denzel Washington to Ask Me to Marry Him

Quote of the Day:
Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -
The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
~John Steinbeck~

Current Local Weather:
A break in the clouds will soon
reveal that all was not lost.

Currently on my iPod:
"The Very Thought of You"
Sean Jones
The Eternal Journey

Dear friends, family and my family of friends,

Life goes on. Sometimes at the pain and suffering of everyone and everything we know, but it does...it goes and goes and goes, kinda like the energizer bunny from hell. It is what it is. Everyone grieves, some of us just show it and experience it in different ways than others or than the traditional expectation of grief.

Today is Valentine's Day. This damned commercialized and horrific spectacle of American's ability to waste all kinds of money is in honor of some historical Christian martyr named St. Valentine . With hindsight being 20/20 at all times, it's only fitting that this day started because of a martyr. Given today's commercial hype of what today is SUPPOSED (assumed without the basis or probability to be likely) to be, if it becomes anything but the epitome of the Mass market Jewelery commercial world or the sappy romantic story portrayed on films like Sleepless in Seattle etc, it becomes a disappointment.

Just for the record, Wikipedia defines Martyr as somebody who suffers persecution and/or death for refusing to renounce a belief or cause. Usually this is a religious thing. Sometimes, especially after a particularly rough break-up or heartache of any sort, we become martyrs. We go into denial. We firmly believe that without the person we were once physically and emotionally attached to, that we will die. And we will gladly die in order to get that person back in our lives. Without them, we can't live on. We become victims of sappy love songs by Journey and Air Supply. We wash ourselves with the water of denial and pretend that we're clean, okay, happy. Life will eventually go back to the way it was because that's the way it should be.

But this is where the disappointment starts, your so-called "life" ends and the pain begins to multiply like gnats and maggots on a piece of rotten road kill in the middle of July.


Despondence.

Suffering.

Persecution.

Pain.

Loneliness.

Whatever.

We allow ourselves to relish in martyrdom. We don't want to cause any further harm or pain to the person that used to love us. Of course we don't want to do that. It was never an intention in the first place, but it was entirely one sided in the other person's mind up until the moment they destroyed the ideal relationship by breaking it off. After al, if you set out in a relationship to hurt someone, than there's something seriously wrong with you. Like, WTF? Really? Maybe you're the rebound sort of person in any relationship you start and never truly finish. Maybe you're an expert voodoo practitioner and want to experiment with someone's trust and heart...

This isn't the case for most. It's certainly not the case for me. I believe that it's healthy to own a voodoo doll, for therapy reasons. Just to get it, whatever it is, boyfriend, girlfriend, college prof that failed you more times than not, family members that failed you etc...out of your system. But it's only a silly, nonsensical and temporary solution. We're talking about the life you've modeled in your head, not the actual life that is being lived out in front of you. This isn't the real you or the real life that all the world can see, mock and destroy in less than a nanosecond.

This is reality.

I recently went through a horrific breakup, twice over. They are both still in progress, I suppose. I'm living right smack in the middle of my soon-to-be ex-life and trying very hard, to gain perspective.This is the most sought after skill and asset anyone can get after a breakup. Perspective. Usually a good friend is there to teach you all about it or slap you until you understand where it is you need to start and where it is you need to finish.

Tonight, I was talking to a good friend of mine and he asked me if I had written men off completely...I took a minute and thought long and hard about it and said, no.

This doesn't mean I think love is wonderful.

This doesn't mean I think my life is anywhere near okay right now. But I'm not in denial anymore. My ship has docked and I'm now standing on the shore with my water wings deflated and my ability to swim, gone...I'm living in quick sand and failing miserably at surviving.

This means I currently think that love, romantic love, SUCKS ASS. But this isn't a forever thing. I hope.

(Nick Cage, this blog is for you. If you're still wondering if I'll marry you, the answer is yes. Most. Definitely. But only if Denzel Washington doesn't get to me first.
You both have my home address and my cell phone number. Please call, text or email me and please lift the restraining order. I promise not to show up at either of your homes naked, ever again. Really I do.)

So back to reality. What to do now. I don't yet consider myself on the market. I want to love more than I do now, after all, love is the most awesomest, best thing ever. I want to be loved by someone other than kids and family. I want a companion. But I'm not looking. I need to raise my beautiful girls first and teach them to do as I say, not as I do. That's the good thing about life lessons. If you learn them early enough in life, you have the opportunity to share your experience, for good or bad, better or worse, with those younger and more wide-eyed than you. If only I could go back to the 8-yr old me and tell me what not to do. But then again, I wouldn't be who I am today without the pain and heartache and tragedy and comedies of my life thus far, right? Right.



So, I honestly don't know when/if I ever will consider myself on the market again. Trusting someone, as a friend, lover, companion and to put the toilet seat down in the middle of the night and to lie to you when you cook something horrible and tell the truth when you have lipstick on your teeth, is going to take some time.

I need to get over it and get on with it. In this sense, this blog is for me. It's only purpose is to put in writing what I need to be doing and get out of this current rut. I need to fall back in love with my original purpose and recognize that the person I was with these other people is not the person I want to be. After all, as my psuedo- I wish she was my real sister, ex boyfriend's sister said and rather bluntly so, why on earth do you want to be with someone that doesn't love you back.

She was right. I don't. Yes, I still love him.Very much so. If he asked me now to take him back, I would probably take a good long pause to think about it as I still think the world of him even though I shouldn't. But then I would say no. You're not the one. You never were. I know I should be more jaded but I'm not yet there. I'm past denial, past anger, past everything but the depression of it all.

But I can still love. I have the confidence in myself to do so. I can still want love, great sex, good wine, saucy risotto and someone to share the joys of life with. But it's just going to have to be someone truly wonderful and special and someone that thinks the world of me (honestly so) just as much as I think the world of them. It has to be someone that isn't a part of my ex-life and someone that is part of my new life. Someone that loves my kids and me for who we are. I don't really care if it takes another lifetime and a half to find this person, for if it never happens, it's okay. What's that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Yeah, sure.




But do know that although I'm not myself lately and haven't been for a while that I still love you. All of you. My readers, my friends, my family, and everyone in between. Even those that have done wrong by me and that I've done wrong to.

Enjoy the rest of your Valentine's Martyr-ish kinda day and remember that you don't have to die inside in order to be loved on the outside and inside of who you really are.

Yours in Love, Wanderlust and Losing it All Just to Find You Were Never Lost in the First Place,

Cicily

PS: Speaking of love, keep your eye out for the next edition of Daniel Casey's cool site: Gently Read Literature. I have a review of an awesome, absolutely loved-it novel, Van Gogh's Ear by the stupendous writer, David Nash, coming out in the March issue.

How Grey’s Anatomy Can Save Your LIfe: One Line of Dialogue at a Time a.k.a. the real story of what happened last year.

Quote of the Day:
Depression is the inability to construct a future.
~Rollo May

Current Local Weather:
White Noise coming in droves from the
Microwave Vent in order to quiet
the storms inside.

Currently on my iPod:
Interlude:
The 2nd Happiest Song in the World
The Project

Dear friends, family and my family of friends,

I’m not one to follow television shows. Okay, that’s a lie. I am. If I had an actual television and cable, I’d be a sucker for a few shows that are on right now.

Grey’s Anatomy
Modern Family
and of course, my absolute favorite show...beating out 90210 from my teen years, Glee.
I’m addicted.
I can admit it but I’m not quite ready to go into recovery.

I know it’s been a long, long time since I’ve blogged on here. But it’s been a long, long, looonnngg time since I’ve even felt like myself. My life has kinda turned upside over the last nine or so months. Throughout these nine months of my pregnancy (thank you Dr. LaMonica and Dr. Martin for making sure it was a nine month pregnancy instead of a seven month one) I spent the better part of 15 weeks locked up in medical hell. One week was in the ICU courtesy of Mag Sulfate flooding my lungs. When the docs asked the father, if it came down to it, would it be me or the baby, I knew I was screwed. Or at least thought I was, but that was after the fact. I didn’t actually hear them say this, but they did. I then spent one week wondering if I was going to live. This wasn’t the week in the ICU. This was the week I was diagnosed with a blood clot in my internal right jugular. Nothing says, you may be dead any minute now, than when the doc comes in, gives you the prognosis/diagnosis and then sends in the clergy to ask you if you need anything and if he can pray for you and then the social worker to help you fill out a will/durable power of attorney.

Then there was the birth. C-section with a massive blood loss that rendered me, as my doc put it, profoundly anemic. What a joy it is to be in my skin!

Not to mention crippling depression that lingers on a daily basis but is somewhat clearing. Every single day, not knowing if it was going to be my last, be painful, or be wonderful will mess with your head. Talk about a range of emotions.

So what do I have to show for all this shit?

Natalie Jane.

December 7th, 1020am
7lbs 11oz.

She couldn’t be more perfect.

So back to that thing about being myself. One would think that it would be even harder now that I’m a mom, again. Starting over in the game of life in ways you will never know about. I could blame the hormones from the pregnancy. Or...it could have been that I needed a break from who I was in order to take a step back and really look at the world around me. My rose colored glasses shattered one afternoon and I began to see the world for what it was. I would like to believe that I found out what is truly important to me. I found love, in all the wrong and right places. I found sacrifice. I found out what it means to fight for what you believe in. I also found out that sometimes what turns out to be the right solution for you is not the solution others thought should have played out.

Going through the amount of trauma that I went through in a small amount of time will change you. It would change anyone.

Now, my life is planning writing retreats (October folks. If you want info, email me), watching shows like Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix while I feed my little one in the middle of the night and then praying, begging, borrowing and stealing snippets of sleep. And I’m trying to get healthy...actually I’m not trying. I’m GOING TO get healthy and stay that way for the rest of my life. This is the year I say good-bye to all the docs and medications and other shit that I’ve been carrying around as if it were a Prada handbag. (Thanks Kate)

Last night, while feeding an infant and obsessing over Grey’s Anatomy, I heard this: “When the battle chooses us, that’s when the sacrifice turns out to be more than we can bare.”

For now, think about that.

I believe the writers of Grey’s Anatomy knew what I needed to hear in that moment. I wouldn't say they saved my life, but they sure as hell helped me gain perspective. Again. I wish I was friends with the writers.

I heard the line, “I’ve heard it’s possible to grow up, I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Like children, we never give up hope.”

I won’t say that I’ve given up hope, but I think it’s about damn time I actually grow up and take more responsibility for who I am, where I am and what I’m doing. Being aware of this is sometimes more difficult than you would think. Try it some time. And when you try it, don’t lie to yourself about any of your current factors. Not that I’m trying to change the world, but hell, if more of us owned up to our true realities, the world might work a little bit better and more of us would get off our asses and try to truly change it.


So I continue to watch Grey’s each night, wondering if by season 3, Meredith will finally get back into McDreamy’s pants. Then again, McDreamy is just that. A dream. He’s not real. In the end, just like the nursery rhyme, life is but a dream. Is it? Really? I sure as hell hope so because this means that one of these fine sunny days in hell, I will wake up to the life I’ve earned and was always meant to have. For now? For now, I’m going to continue to put myself out there even though I’ve decided that all the craziness will make me crazier, but I’m going to do it anyway.

Yours in McDreams, McShit and McDoing the Right Thing,

Cicily

Happy Holidays and A Little Announcement

Quote of the Day:
Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems,
but it makes things more acceptable for a while.
~ Unknown~

Current Local Weather:
Showers of urine along with unreasonable
and frequent shit storms on the horizon.

Currently on my iPod:
Lush Life
Kurt Elling
"Dedicated to You"

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends,

Tis the season, eh? Sheesh, has it really been 5 months since my last blog? I suppose so. Want to know what I've been up to?

Here ya go:

World, I would like for you to meet Natalie Jane.
She was born on December 7th at 1020am. 7lbs, 11oz.

So if you were wondering what I was doing with my time, that's about it. Actually, that isn't it...it's just the main piece of the puzzle for now. I would write about the pregnancy and how it absolutely sucked 99.9% of the nine months, but I'm going to save that for when I'm less sleep deprived. This way, I can assure you that it won't just be a top ten list of complaints about living in my own skin and written in a more cohesive manner.

As of right now, Natalie is in a coma from her gluttonous intake of milk. I think I should join her while I can and rest my weary bones.

I promise for a more interesting and informative blog later on.

I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas and an even better 2011.

Yours in Drool, Darlings and Doing the Right Thing,

Cicily

Quickie Thank You's and Shout Out

Quote of the Day:
It is not clear that intelligence
has any long-term survival rate.
~Stephen Hawking~

Current Local Weather:
Crap is falling straight from the sky
at an alarming rate and landing on my shoulders.

Currently on my iPod:
Blood Bank
~Bon Iver~

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends,

This is a quickie post. I must say that my week or so on the road to promote my book taught me a lot. I know now why folks do this. As horrendous as it is to give birth to a book it is all worth it in the end. Despite the disappointments, the positives, the love, the hate...I've forgotten, already..., about the pain.

I wanted to thank the following people who have helped me survive these past few weeks and have made them actually enjoyable:

Natalie at Black Cat Books in Manitou Springs. You made my birthday and book release one of the best days of my life. I can not possibly thank you enough for all you've done. You're in my heart forever.

Mike and Ashton Cigars and all the dudes working and hanging at Cigars on 6th in Denver. What a fun time. You guys rock my world and I'm so very thrilled to have you support Ned and me.

Abby Murray and the CS Writers Reading Series: You inspire me beyond belief and I am so glad we're in eachother's circle of crazies. Thanks for having me...

Joni at the Book Lady Bookstore in Savannah, GA for hosting me and for providing love, feedback and a warm, friendly smile when I truly needed it.

Ellen and the crew at Foxtale Books in Woodstock, GA. You guys are so overly generous with your promotion and love that I am still feeling it all the way back in Colorado.

George at Eagle Eye Bookstore in Decatur, GA. Love the yellow hat and even more love the atmosphere you provided for me. Despite the lower turn out, meeting you made it all worth it.

I hope if you're a writer, especially one living anywhere near the vicinity of these fine independent book stores that you'll consider making them not only your regular shop for new and used books but also a place where you will hold your own book signings and events in the future.

Also, if you're looking to read more about how I got to where I am...you can go here:

Guide To Literary Agents ( I was a guest columnist for the How I Got My Agent Section...thank you Chuck!)

You can also pick up a copy of September's Issue of Writer's Digest and see a nod in the Notable Debut section for the New Face of Jazz. If you're a writer, I highly suggest you pick this issue up as it has so much amazing advice for writers it's like getting an entire writing conference's worth of advice in the palm of your hands.




I have some more news I'll share with you sooner or later too. And for those who have emailed etc. I am doing fine and the baby is doing great too. I'm at 19 weeks now! Almost half way there...eeks!

Yours in Surviving, Staying Strong and Skittles,

Cicily