Thursday, October 10, 2013

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Quote of the Day: 
No man is great enough or wise enough for any of us to surrender our destiny to.
The only way in which anyone can lead us is to restore to us the belief
in our own guidance.
~Henry Miller~ 

Current Local Weather:
Chicken Little was right. Too bad no one 
believed him. 

Currently on Spotify:
"Edge of Desire"
Battle Studies
John Mayer

Currently Reading:
"The Fault in Our Stars"
John Green

Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends, 

Defeat. Defeat. Degradation. Defeat. Deprivation. Disgust. Damnation. Darn-tootin'. Doodlin'. Darling. Divine. Defeat. Defeat. Defeat. Desire. Destitute. Depressed. Determined. Defeat. Defeat. Defeat. Diversity. Dead. Death. Defeat. Defense. Deficit. Defending. Defeat. Downfall. Defeat. 

The letter D has so much diversity in its little compact half-moon design. It is the letter of the month in my household. 
Think of how many "D" words you can name in the next twenty, run with them...rinse, repeat and stare at yourself in the mirror until you feel like others want you to feel. Are you on the edge of your desire? Are you, as Mayer sings..."...just about to set fire to everything I see...I'll go back on the things I believe. There, I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me..." 

Tell me what "D" letter words are in your head? Given the last two week's exercise in medical hell/futility, I am surprised I haven't lost it. The only word I could think of when I marched out the hospital doors this evening, was defeat. Ask Karen, my best friend, my confidant, my sister-from-another-mister in this life and, depending on mood, she'll tell you that for a moment, and maybe for a lot of moments in the meantime, I have been defeated by an archaic medical system built around egos and ergo, I say, assholes. I wanted to make sure that although I'm in the middle of what feels like defeat, I am not sinking in it. I am not going back on anything I believe and after the scene I made tonight, I sure as hell am not worried about anyone forgetting about me. 

This is not the first time that I feel as though I've been defeated, I have to step back and realize that I wasn't the one defeated by this system, I was the one defending my life. Defeat and defending are ooooohhhh so close in their sound and some would say in their meaning. But accepting what has happened to me over the last umpteen years as a form of defeat is just meaningless if there is no balls-to-the-wall followup "Shaun of the Dead" style. 

Defeat will only take you so far in this life. Often, it will take you as far as 6ft. under, if that's the direction you're pointing towards, but for me, defeat creates a wall around my mental insecurities and physical ailments. It is very stressful to live behind this wall and creates more hell than not in this life. And unnecessary hell, at that. I have no more plans to take back everything I've said. I have no more plans to set fire to everything I see...I'm on the edge of my other world, the one created by the ever burning desire to live and live well despite the big-ass defeat sitting on my bruised and tainted shoulders. 

This desire is burning so fast, bright and hard that I think heartburn is actually a sign of entering that kinetic energy space known as greatness. My desire is to tell everyone about what's really been going on, what's really been happening, what's really behind this so-called medical schmuck of a system in our country and give everyone a leg to stand on if, God forbid, you or anyone else you know is ever in my shoes. 

I believe the last time I had a desire as great as this, I produced this baby: 

My very big defeat is going to be turned into some very big defense for others. Someone has to start saying something and well, my big mouth seems to want the job more than any other its been granted in the last few decades. I encourage you to not let defeat in any form become your downfall. As falling down is no way to stand tall.  And as I say over and over again, if I can fall this many times and rise up from the ashes, wipe the dust off my shoulders and still have a shit-eating grin plastered on my face, you can too. 

And if you don't feel you are strong enough to get through the hell in your life, please, please, please go find your Karen Carter and let her/him shoulder your tears and back you up when you need it the most. Defending your life is your only job in life. Accepting defeat is the mostest, worstest thingamajig you can do to that spirit inside your soul. 

I will never give up. I will never, ever, surrender. 
Thank you Karen. 

Yours in Karen Carters, Keeping Your Cool, and Not-So-Random Acts of Kindness, 


1 comment:

Karen Carter said...

Oh no I'm going to cry again. Seeing you so defeated last night was the hardest thing in the world for me to face. When you cried "What is wrong with me?" I couldn't bear it. Nothing is wrong with you, Cicily. But there is something very wrong with a system that allows its most distraught souls seeking relief and support nothing but more grief. Luckily you are stronger than all that. And knowing you has taught me that facing tough times with grit and determination is much more noble than avoiding conflict at all costs. You've got a long way to go in more ways than one but there are many of us who are just as determined to see you through it all. It's the least we can--and should--do. xo.