Monday, May 6, 2013

Staring at Myself in the Mirror

Quote of the Day: 
It is not in the stars to hold our destiny;
it is in ourselves.
~William Shakespeare~

Current Local Weather: 
WTF? 100% chance of 
no discernible seasons

Currently on my iTunes: 
"Fix You"
X & Y 

Currently Reading: 
Manuscripts. No-name, generic manuscripts.
Too many of them to count.

This is for all of you. And yes, especially you. 

Dear Friends, Family, and my Family of Friends,

     There are so many of us today that are alone. We're divorced, afraid of commitment, on tour, recovering, on the prowl for our best friend, waiting for calls that never come and wondering if this is the norm. We aren't alone in our numbers. However, we're sleeping alone, waiting in line...alone, sitting in our living rooms...alone, fixing hot tea...alone, drinking wine...alone. Life, it seems, just didn't follow the script we initially drafted nor were supposed to live out according to the society that attempts to dictate the norm. It seems as if this loneliness is just one ugly, hermetic, hateful bitch. 

However, when this loneliness strikes, although most of us, including myself, have the knee jerk reaction of crying and crawling in a hole to make the most out of our pity party, it isn't always a bad thing. This lonely life is sometimes a blessing. Maybe we have to take this "blessing" at its face value. Regardless of how hard it may seem...just like the doctor telling you to lose weight the same day your boyfriend tells you to lose weight. It's hard to hear but maybe it's the truth. Or when your mom comes to town and says she hates the safety orange color on your walls right after your husband came home and started crying at the sight of the walls you painted while he was at's not that you didn't have good intentions or love behind your eyes, it's just that what your hearing or feeling or experiencing may be the most truthful form of experience and time you've been privy to yet. 

Whatever form it comes in, loneliness is astonishingly humbling and bring most of us to our knees when we're at our worst. Even the strongest and most fiercely independent people can be brought down when company is needed but nowhere to be found. I have a friend that is severely depressed right now. I can't possibly do what I want to do for her. I can't possibly change her situation. Yet she spent a lot of nights and days helping me out of my own depression and offering up love when it didn't seem there was much to be found. And yes, there were days when I wouldn't talk to her, just as she doesn't want to talk to me now. I understand that completely. COMPLETELY. Sometimes, I wanted to be lonely and run amuck in my own muddy waters singing my own version of the Blues. 

However, my depression didn't (thank the heavens) sink me below my personal drowning level. I was fortunate enough to have people that would sing to me until I fell asleep if I asked or at the very least, call me up and say good night if I asked, tell me they love me (even when I didn't want to hear it), and there were more than enough good people in this world that don't know me other than on the internet that would call me when I woke up to tell me to get my ass in gear (if I did or didn't ask), some even yelled at me and told me to keep on keepin' on regardless of my obstacles (didn't matter if I asked, ever). Thank God. I was alone but not lonely;  I was lonely but not alone. I had bi-polar depression. I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted to be alone, stuck in my ways or lonely and wishing I had someone at all times to bug me, even when I didn't want it. I suppose indecisiveness is the best most of us can hope for when we're at our worst. Deciding on the worst is never an option. Deciding on the best is usually overlooked. Deciding to choose happy just doesn't happen enough. 

Too many of us know someone out there in the here and now, whether in person or online, that are in this situation. Too many of us are busy working, talking, chatting, caring for others, caring not to care. Too many of us choose to send benign messages of hope to those we know are hurting. And although we want to think that what we're saying is to them is doing them good but all too much it is self-serving and doesn't serve the person who needs it most. Having been on both sides of the mirror: the one that stares back at me and shows me for who I am and the one that stares back at me and shows me who I think am/want to be, I know all too well that people in the position of severe loneliness, often can't see past their nose. People who don't hear the words, I love you, before they go to bed, begin to whither away or turn into that ugly hermetic cat hoarder at the end of the street with no will to live. But it doesn't have to be this way. 

At all. 

There can be loneliness without being alone, there can be alone time without loneliness. Promise. It can change with you. And in the immortal genius of the Beach Boys, "God only knows what I'd be without you." Try to be there for the people in your life that are suffering. When you look in the mirror don't let it show you two different people. Stand tall and look at ONE person. You. And if you're the one that's lonely and looking in the mirror night after night, wishing that someone would answer your call or that someone would magically appear in your living room to hold your hand, stand tall and know that help is coming. Soon. You're not going to perish alone. You're not alone. You're not going to be the picture perfect version of lonely. Promise. 

We will take care of you and make sure that the stars you're staring at through your tears are the same stars we're sitting under while thinking of you. If no one has told you they love you, know that I do and always will. Promise. Don't worry about what we think of you in this moment. Don't worry about how you'll look when you ask for help and love. I've been there and it doesn't serve a purpose. I've tried on more than one occasion to send myself to the other side of this lonely world. I'm horribly unsuccessful thanks to all of the schmucks, loves, friends, lonely beings that recognized my worldly scares and cares and took the time to save me from my lonely thoughts. 

So, even if I don't say it or am in a phase of sheer loneliness too, I still feel it and mean it. Patience is a virtue, cake/wine/brownies/love, even from afar, is a gift, and friends are your lifeline. Call us. Call me. Send us a message out across the sea and tell us that you need us. We'll respond. As the song, "Fix You" by Coldplay says, 

and the tears come streaming down your face, when you leave something you can't replace...when you love someone but it goes to waste...could it be worse? Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you...if you don't try, you'll never know just what you were. 

It's too hard to be alone and fix yourself. It's much harder to feel lonely, alone, broken and not know where the human equivalent of duct tape is in the junk drawer of life. Please stop looking for the tape. That's only temporary. Just rest, close your eyes, let the tears water your flowers and help them bloom. We're here. I'm here. I love you.

Yours in Staring Contests in My Mirror, Seamless Stars Sewing Broken Hearts, and Soundless, Sleepless Nights,


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