Monday, October 22, 2007


Current mood: confused
Category: Life

Hello dears,

How are you all? I couldn't stay away too long.

Yeah me.

Who cares, as long as someone at some point walks away with something from this blog that is all I really care about. That is all we should care about as writers, right? When writing a piece, you shouldn't really care about the numbers or what people think, for you should be doing it for you. Writing the words down that plague your mind with immediacy. Well, as much as possible in the moment.

I have endured much through the past two weeks. There is the lesson that nothing in life is ever assured. There is the lesson that everything can change with just a little pain on an unsuspecting day in your life.

The journey is far from over for me. Tomorrow brings on more and more testing. I do not know how much those blood sucking arseholes from the hospital can take out of me, but I know that they will certainly push their limits and in the end, mine. But there are a lot more people out there that are going through much worse than me. There are people out there with more problems than I will ever know. For that, I am sorry for them, but grateful for me.

Today brought a whole new meaning to the words, getting to the heart of the matter. The heart, the one in the center of my chest, is ticking still, but is weak. I am hoping to have an answer soon. Very soon. Tomorrow the docs test other areas of my body for after effects and affects of this problem, which currently has no name.

But, I did get to walk away with a DVD of my experience today. Not many people can say that in their video collection they have a performance of their internal organs. Anytime you all stop by for tea and crumpets, I will be more than happy to show it off to you.

Maybe I should caption it: This is your heart on drugs. (the legal kind of course) and then show the after one as This is your heart after writing a novel...

Stress anyone? I try not to and my dear friend, therapist ( I like to say that she is one), coach and mentor is telling me to love my body. To treat it like I love it more than anything else. This is something I am trying to learn to do. And maybe with some time I will give in to it. There are people in this world who hate their bodies because of their outer appearance. But for me, I hate it because of my circulatory system, my cardiac and pulmonary systems and above all, because I am angrier than hell that it seems to be failing me more than I want to admit to.

So enough. My anger is stated. I will continue to breath the best I can to make it from this day to the next. For that is all anyone can do to move on.

I appreciate the outpouring of friendship, love and well wishes. Even from people I don't know, from the people I would love to meet but have the feeling that I will never get to.

But that is okay too, because I know you are all a keystroke away.

Have a wonderful weekend and I will be on and off as my testing schedule allows and my health allows. Keep writing and I will too.

Yours in Hearts, Hating Your Body and Handing Control Over to Someone Else,


Currently reading :
21st Century Complete Medical Guide to Pulmonary Hypertension, Authoritative Government Documents, Clinical References, and Practical Information for Patients and Physicians (CD-ROM)
By PM Medical Health News
Release date: June, 2004

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